The Desire To Change That Changed What I Desired

I was sitting at my house and it hit me. It hit me hard like a tank shell at point blank. A leveling force so strong I couldn’t help but quail under it. I hated my job! Not just part of it; all of it. I hated my work life  because it never provided enough money, it was exhausting, and the customers were constantly rude. I even hated my life. I was being dragged day after day through endless shit that had no purpose and never will. I wanted it to change, but how badly? Well let’s start at the beginning; I’ll tell you all about it.

First you might ask what I was doing? Serving tables at a Red Robin in Rogers Arkansas. Next you might say why did that blow so hard? Well, it didn’t at first it was great. I had a near perfect schedule. I got to get up around 10 am, work at 11 am, get off around 9 pm, and go party till 2 am. Did it get monotonous? Sure, but it was sure fun, and the pay sure was good. So then what happened? Well I moved to another state. I met some great people, but realized that I had moved for a girl I would never marry and didn’t truly love. So I moved back from Wichita Kansas to Rogers all over again.

My ohh my how that place had changed in the short two and a half months I had been gone. The staff had gone down the drain and the management had gone to hell. Ohh hell they had even lost the dishwasher! I walked in on a shit storm every fucking night. The new manager had gone through training at the same store not six months prior and had been evicted from her store and sent back. But worst of all…. I had no respect. Every day I felt low. Lower and lower until it hit me. It hit me like a tank shell at point blank. I hated my job.

So what did I do? I decided to make a change. I updated my Linkedin (I need to again actually). I rebuilt my resume and went on the hunt. Most people when they go on the hunt reach out to maybe three jobs a week. I’m not most people. I set a goal of an application a day until I successfully acquired my goal. “An entry level position with a major company I could use to grow myself and my skills while contributing to the growth and success of an international company.” Job after job, day after day, for five weeks and then for another four it was two applications a day. I was exhausted when I would get off because Red Robin was killing me. My stress was through the roof, yet every day I kept plugging at it.

I got nothing for it except the corporate auto no reply emails saying other applicants had gotten the job. Finally one night I had had enough. It was my third double shift, second straight fifteen hour shift. To top it off I had been working with the one manager who was unconditionally disrespectful to me. I went home having closed the store for him that night and I broke. When I say I broke I mean pure hate boiled in my veins I yelled punched my pillow and yes even cried a little. I thought I was the biggest fucked up pussy ass idiot in existence. I sat down on my bed and asked myself who would want someone like me and it came immediately like a flash. (This next part will offend some people almost as much as my language offends the people who believe in the manner following.) God did. He wanted me and always had. He loved me so much that he sent his son Jesus Christ to die for my sins. I was raised a Christian but it had been a cool minute since I had prayed. I thought about it a minute and I said well if you don’t start you never will.

I sat there and I prayed. It started like this.


Hey God,

I don’t really even know how to talk to you. I don’t know if I’m supposed to say our father in heaven, or hey Bro. I know I was told that I should always address you as our father in heaven but I know you also say to talk to you like you are a friend so that’s exactly what I am going to do. Hey Bro. HELP ME NIGGA!! (Yes I really said that) I hate this job I hate my life. I’d rather die than go to work tomorrow. I know you say you won’t give me more than I can bear, but if I become unemployed it will be more than I can bear and this job is more than I can bear. I can’t go back to jail that was a onetime thing and I can’t do it again it will be more than I can bear. If I lose my job, I will most likely go back to  jail and my probation officer will revoke me and I will be gone…. just like that a point of light snuffed out. God I can’t do this anymore and I need help. I’ve applied to Advantage Crossmark and Acosta. My dad says they are the best fit. You know what the best fit for me is God. You know what I will be best at. You know where I would like to be and what I would like to be doing. So move me. Move me anywhere. Place an opportunity in my life that is so impossible to miss I can’t miss it. Move so powerfully that I can’t miss it and move me. Move me wherever you would have me. I will follow you even to Africa just move me.

There was a lot more talk in there but the jest of it and mostly what I can remember is that right there. I layed down and went to sleep. I woke up and got ready for work at 10am went to work at 11 and told myself all will be good because God will move me. If He doesn’t today, it’s because I am supposed to be here and there is a reason. I had the motivation of a sleeping cat. I went through the motions telling myself to do my best because I needed to do all to the glory of God.

12:30 pm

Two ladies get sat in my section at probably the worst table I have.

1:00 pm I have served this table as best I can in my current state.

1:15 pm

It has not been 5 hours that I have been awake.

First lady: “Hey can I ask you a personal question?”

Me: “sure.”

First lady: “have you finished college yet?”

Me: “No ma’am I actually have to pay 600 dollars to go back.”

First lady: “Ohh well have you finished high school?”

Me: “Yes ma’am actually it’s been a couple years… class of 2014”

First lady: “okay well we work for a company called Advantage Solutions.”

My heart stopped when she said that. I had put in a total of 7 applications to this exact company. I actually had chills from my head to my toes.

First lady: “Do you know what they do?’

Me: “yeah a little bit. Retail merchandising, marketing, sales representation.”

First lady: “Ohh so you know exactly what we do”

Me: “yes ma’am. I actually applied for retail merchandiser last night.”

First lady: “did you really? Well this position would not be in the field it would be at the office it’s an 8 to 5 and it’s a little low on pay I think like 15 an hour. We would like you to come interview. Can you send me your resume?”

I almost broke down and balled right there I hadn’t even been awake for 5 hours it hadn’t even been 18 since I had prayed.

I went to the interview (of course right) I didn’t just go. I got in a fight and actually broke up with my girlfriend right before my interview. I also had my mom yell at me for 30 minutes about me not being prepared for my interview. I was sitting in the lobby and I was sweating my heart was pounding. I was very stressed. So I did the only thing that had gotten me this far… I prayed.

Hey God,

Use me as your mouthpiece give me the words I would not say and help me with this interview get me hired here god because if I go in by myself I’m going to stutter trip up and I will botch this thing. Please help in Jesus name I pray amen.


I had barley finished and all of a sudden there they are the interview crew. I walk back to the room and as I’m walking through the door it’s like I walked through a wall. My heart stopped beating, my hands stopped shaking, my breath became even, and I stopped sweating. The physiological change was enough to make me look at the door. I had every answer, every question and every word exactly as I would have wanted to hear if I was on the other side of the table. As I walked out of the door all my stress came tumbling back and I went to send my follow up thank you emails with shaky hands and death sweat.

I got the job but ohh it couldn’t be that easy. My driving record was shot full of holes and they found it. They denied me my employment with a formal letter. I went and told my family. I prayed God I know you didn’t give me this just to take it away but if you did I trust you are going to move me some other way. And I trusted as best anyone could in this situation.

The next day I went to a lawyer to talk about getting my record cleaned. Previously my parents had said a cool 100 times they would not help pay for my mistakes that they were mine to pay for because I had made them. I’m sitting in the meeting with the lawyer and my mom calls. She says “put the lawyer on the phone” so I do….


I had a lawyer in Missouri.


I had a lawyer in Kansas


I went home and I balled like a baby back bitch. I cried and cried and said over and over again:“It’s enough God, you did more than enough. It’s enough you can stop now. I never could have asked for this but you can stop now. It’s plenty.”

But He didn’t. I got a call from the lady who recruited me she said that I should get a call from the onboarding department momentarily. I did they said the file had been pulled in error and they were pulling my background check instead.

Remember how earlier I had said I was on probation? Well I still am and these kinds of things get found on background checks. I shit my heart right out my ass. They said, “so I see you were convicted of delivery of a controlled substance?” I thought it was over for sure but I explained that I was on a differed sentence and that I hadn’t been convicted and I wasn’t going to. She asked “well I also see a criminal contempt charge.” I told her I had paid a speeding ticket a day late and had ended up paying an extra 150 not to go to jail that day. She told me it was okay and sent me an email asking me to type my explanation to the latter. I did and then went to work that night.

8:50 pm Friday

I got an email stating that I had completed the onboarding process and would start on Monday. I was at work and I thanked god and finished my shift. All of this goes to show that I didn’t do shit God moved mountains and sealed valleys in my life. And I will always be thankful and praise him.


By Joseph Alexander


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